Not Ready to Make Nice

Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

I've debated and debated whether to post this or not.
I'm just going for it.
These thoughts have been boiling for some time now, and while I'm afraid of what I might say, i'm equally afraid of keeping it inside.
Is it possible for this to come back and bite me?
Absolutely, but it's a risk I'm willing to take.

I spent April on edge.  While our month of April was gorgeous, it's been a long time since I've felt so ugly on the inside.  I made the best of it, trying to work out anger and frustrations on my flower beds; digging holes, and pulling weeds.  I just wanted to get through my birthday.

I made it through April.  I was more defensive, and more sensitive than usual.  I let those close to me, know the thoughts behind the actions.  I didn't handle some things, as I normally would've, but at least I was aware of the reasons behind it.
I've always wanted to love my birthday, but most years, I dread it.  It's not for the reasons you might think.  It's not because it brings back sour memories of the time a boyfriend cheated on me on my birthday.  Devestating to a 16 year old, a big fat whatever now.  It's ALSO not because I'm getting older.  I could care less about my age.  I've earned every scar and (although faint) laugh line.

It's because (in my mind) it's a day someone (my birthmother) wishes she could forget.  I spend the majority of my birthdays wondering if she was thinking of me or did she spend the day trying to forget?  I don't know these thoughts to be true, but without confirmation one way or another, they were true in my mind.

More specifically, I spent wasted so much of my life trying to be perfect.  Not because I'm type A, ultra competative, but because I told myself I had to; so I would be worthy of my (adoptive) parents love.  I thought, I have to be perfect, and maybe if I'm perfect enough, then, someday, my birth mother will want to know me, and then I will be worthy.  You can imagine the continual frustration when I came up short (in my mind).  That continual frustration from my lack of perfection morphed into self loathing.  I hated myself, that I couldn't be the perfect, pretty, high achieving daughter they deserved.   In no way, shape or form, did my parents (adoptive) hold these standards.  They (standards of perfection) were twisted thoughts created in my own sick little head.  I didn't think it was possible for my parents or my husband to love me, because eventually they were going to find out what fraud I was.  I was confident their love was out of pity.  They loved me out of obligation, rather their own free will.

Let me also preface: my parents have never been anything but unconditionally loving and accepting of me, in all aspects of my life.  My mom KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt, God specifically picked me for her and my dad - and I believe it too.  Jeremy has shown his strength time and time again.  I haven't always made it easy, but I knew if I could get past these thoughts, I could be the person I wanted to be.

Another thing: I'm angry.  I'm angry I wasted so much time hating myself, instead of enjoying life and the people around me, that love me unconditionally.  I'm angry I put so much of my self worth and beliefs in someone I've never met.  I'm angry and hurt that she doesn't want to know me.  I'm angry that I'm her dirty little secret.  - because I'm here.  Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, I'm here.  I'm not going anywhere.  I'm going to live my life, and tell my story.  I will no longer apologize for my existence.

Postscript:
In no uncertain terms, am I seeking sympathy OR compliments.  These are feelings I'm tired of holding onto.  I don't want them anymore.  I'm putting them away,  I don't want to feel this way anymore, and MOST days I don't.  With grief, you have good days and bad.  Like any loss, adoption is a loss too.

I've reached this angry phrase, and haven't enjoyed my time here.  Any time spent here in anger, is merely another step in the right direction.  I know it was just a phase, and I'm determined this past birthday will be the last one spent with anxiety.